For any of you that have ever had a toothache, it is the worst. I have one that is irritating me to death. So much so, the other night I shot out of bed because it suddenly felt like my jaw was going to shoot out of my mouth mid-sleep. There’s two things it absolutely hates. When I drive, and when I lay down. We all know shows where a character jerks themselves awake from a nightmare and is suddenly upright, panting in horror. That’s pretty hard to do from a nightmare. It’s easy to credit that with creative liberty. But I am here to tell you, it’s true with a toothache. I practically did a forward somersault.

So I scramble out of bed, and rummage through our family medicines, looking desperately for some kind of numbing agent, if any. It’s very dimly lit and I’m delirious, but I come across some Benadryl. Awesome! Benadryl. And in spray form. So I read it. It says “COUGHING’ on it. Excellent. Somehow, I have something you spray in your mouth to ease the harshness of coughing. It’s gotta numb something, right? And it did. It worked pretty well after two sprays. My only thought as I drifted back to sleep was “Damn for something you spray in your mouth, they coulda made that taste better.”

I wake up the next morning, with appropriate lighting, to realize it said “COOLING,” not coughing.

Itchy Untasty

I’m still alive.