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Ask Me No Questions

Next comic will be Thursday. Getting slaughtered at work. Tired. Sleep. Brains. Itchy. Tasty.

155 thoughts on “Ask Me No Questions

        1. I looked them up. I don’t follow Adventure Time that much, sooooo, parallel universe, alternate universe or mechanism used to advance the number of the target audience by a factor of two?

        2. It’s not creepy…he just r63’d a couple of guys he knew and had them talk about how hot he is… … …ok…it’s a teeny bit creepy…
          It’s not Simon’s fault though…it’s the crown.

      1. Speaking of panel one shouldn’t Ellie be called “Mr. Lavender?” Or is that a purposeful dig by her siblings?

  1. Nice detail with the moon and clouds reflected in the windscreen

    I hope they’re also getting some blu ray DISKS, or that player will be a little boring…

    so are they at a dead stop, with the scenery just speeding past, or are they really going 150kph? Maybe Mr Grey has the tires locked up while skidding into the mall parking lot?

        1. True, I hadn’t thought of that. There are the main roads that get congested with all the traffic, and then there are the side roads where all the annoyed drivers split off and get up to Mach 11 just to try to beat a portion of the crowd on the main roads.

        2. Aren’t they the ones who can never get to that parking spot just in time when they’re in the Walmoat parking lots? (spelling mistake made on purpose.)

    1. Ah, but that doesn’t really matter. Most Blu-ray players will also upconvert DVD, so those with regular DVDs will benefit immediately. Though Blu-ray discs are specifically optimized for the platform and well worth getting, there won’t be a huge need to get them in.

        1. I think my Dad uses his BluRay player my brother got him last year for NetFlix more than anything else. And as of a few months ago checking all BR players at Best Buy & Target (busted PS3, gaming wasn’t worth extra cost, impatient to wait for ordering BR player online), I didn’t actually see any without NetFlix at the very least, on them.

        2. The PS3 prices are already dropping now that the PS4 is out. If you’re not holding out for one of the new bundle deals with the upsized Hard Drive they’re really not priced that much above a quality BluRay player. Between the BluRay player, DVD upscaler and Netflix on my PS3 the rest of the consoles on my entertainment center have been gathering dust.

          Though I did just recently bust out my old school XBox for some Time Splitters action. It’s a freakin’ crime they didn’t release a new Time Splitters game on the current gen gaming systems.

        3. Had a backup PS3 slim. One that busted was a fat one with the half PS2 playback ability. I’m debating attempting to repair that versus buying a new fat PS3 used.

          I decided to go with a cheap-as-practical-to-quickly-find BR player as the backup for now while deciding. May give it to family after I decide or may keep it as tertiary backup.

        4. If you’re looking for the PS2 functionality I believe only the first run or so of the fat PS3s had it. I would go for the repair if you can manage it as replacing it would be very difficult.

        5. There’s a PS3 hardware FAQ on GameFAQs that lets you identify which type of hardware you’re getting, so if I went the looking for a used one route, I’d use that and verify before buying.

      1. Thank goodness and ink costs that he didn’t go all “Speed Racer” on us dude. But then, you don’t know about the original speed lines, don’t you? Or am I just inferring that you’d only know about the movie and not the other stuff.

        1. I vaguely recall old Speed Racer, far as old Anime goes I preferred Voltron and G-Force. So don’t really remember speed lines.

  2. …I have the sinking feeling I know where that balloon came from. This explains that sudden “bump” on the road a mile back.

        1. Aunt Tarra’s still with her. Mom will be fine. Aunt Ellie, on the other hand, and her friend, may be in trouble soon.

        2. I don’t think Aunt Tarra’s diplomatic immunity extends to other people and I think only her personal vehicle is considered an embassy. At least that was what she told Aunt Cinn when she tried to request asylum that one time. That was after that thing on July 4th earlier this year. The thing we aren’t supposed to talk about and that mom doesn’t think we know about.

        3. She still has mind control available, so she can get your mom off. Your mom would only need it on special occasions, if she started helping Cinn, then that’s the sort of thing that’d never end. Better Cinn never expects the assistance.

        4. I just think Aunt Tarra would probably be able to talk their collective way out of it, us know.

        5. I honestly don’t know, I was still fishing my seat belt out from under the car cushion when it happened.

        1. It’s because she forgot to promise to cut it with a knife a minimum of 9 inches long and preferably electric. If everyone had known she had a proper Thanksgiving turkey-cutting knife to use with her Lunchable, it’d have been fine.

        2. No, the turkey that was available to me, was still in an infrared cooker when we arrived, and it was still in the cooker four hours later. When they pulled it out, they said that it was uncooked (in the middle or something maybe.)

          So, I bought roasted turkey at the deli counter the next day.

  3. Somehow I like the thought that Ellie is the woman on the inside. Makes the whole thing feel a lot more “Ocean’s 11.”

      1. Tall enough to require one, yet wide enough to barely fit in it? And don’t those requirements commonly come with age limits?

        1. I don’t think there’re age limits in all states past possibly being over a certain age when the law was passed, but it turns into “booster seat” or something and doesn’t require the strap portions, just the height portion.

        2. Florida just seems to say “Shorter than four (4) foot nine (9) inches tall (4’9”). Maybe Mr. Gray is taking a bit of a precaution?

        3. And the Broward County Sheriff’s office states at: http://sheriff.org/safety/carseat.cfm that “Children from approximately 40-80 pounds and under 4’9″ in height should ride in a booster seat.” I’m going to guess that Pum— Mr. Yellowish-Red is juuusst within those guidelines. And any cop having a bad day will throw the book at them.

        4. I think I actually know someone in Ohio who had to take her driver’s test with a booster seat (I think Ohio’s cutoff is a few inches taller). Her mom was laughing and I think confirmed it, but I wasn’t paying enough attention. Now my mom would actually come pretty close to qualifying there too, but I think at her age it’s either not required or not enforced (though she does drive with a pillow on the seat if it doesn’t adjust high enough, but that’s common sense requirement for visibility for her).

        5. Dang. I’m really tall, I have to move the seat all the way back, and all the way down. Pick my feet up from the floor behind the pedals to reach them.

          The fun part, the steering column tilts, so I get to feel like a truck driver.

      2. Given they’re probably in Mr Grey’s 1-headlight-minivan, I think more likely it was easier to wedge Mr Yellowish-Red’s skinny little butt into the existing carseat than to go through the hassle of disconnecting and relocating said seat.

        1. I was going to suggest that the others are either in the back seat of said van, or in William’s car, since he has the boys for breakfast. Which seems to infer that there may just be an extra booster seat between the two cars. And that would be a time saver in my book.

          And if the rear seat doesn’t fold down, then that’d be where the other two car seats are at. At least those boys seem like they’d know how to buckle themselves in. And the baby seat in from the driver’s side behind mom.

        2. that would be a rookie mistake (one I’ve made several times, unfortunately); if you fill the back with carseats, there’s no place to put the metric a–load of giftys from your mall-safari, unless you also have a cartop carrier, so the trip back would see the spice girls buried under boxes, without even enough room to eat the Aunt Annie’s pretzels and Cinnabon gut-grenades the tired & hungry shoppers inevitably succumb to…

        3. Well, if it’s a Dodge Grand Caravan, then you have the front row of the driver and passenger seats, well, they get to control the radio, speed, steering, not steerage.

          Then you’ve got the middle stowaway seats. 1/2 the time steerage, and half the time seats with hideaway compartments that make me wonder if anyone would get arrested for having hidden compartments in the state of Ohio.

          And then you’ve got the foldaway/hideway/laydown sleeping area third bench. This seat is the famous 1/3 / 2/3 seat fold down back or hide the part of the seat that you don’t want thing in order to get the big screen tv in the side of the seating area thing. And the hidden compartment areas or bench storage areas accessible from the rear hatch door.

          I also wonder if the truck from “Simon & Simon” would be targeted by the same Ohio “hidden compartment” law.

        4. As a current and longtime resident of Ohio, the only ways I can imagine that law being even considered are:
          1) The cop is both a big jerk and very dumb, and wants to get the citation thrown out and possibly the law invalidated.
          2) The cop is looking for the excuse to allow an examination they wouldn’t otherwise be able to perform and that fits (see http://lawcomic.net/guide/?p=1859 for what I’m talking about).

        5. Hey, I’m a big boy! I ride in the seat normally, thank you. And Aunt pumpkin is easily tall enough, but the seat is crazy hard to remove. Takes Dad like an hour.

  4. Not to bust down on Mr. Lavender’s plans.

    However, what is the likelihood that inventory was done on the items as soon as they were placed for stock, unless Mr. Lavender was the one who was able to do the stocking of said items, or just happened to casually walk buy and snag them on the way out of the store, able to place them in her register.

    My next question would be, would the manager or CSM be observant enough to notice items stuck by the registers in such a manner that may just likely stick out.

    Next would be, would security have been watching all of this.

    And if all of the above, what is the possibility that A) The CSM doesn’t care, and wants to see what happens until the rope has been used to either lasso a crook, or win the office pool on who pays for them.

    B) The CSM, Store manager, Security dude is at the front of the store and pulls Mr. Lavender aside while waiting for the cops to show up?

    C) Since it’s Kohl’s I’ll be glad to see the team pull this one off. I have a story about them from an artist.

    1. I doubt Kohls will care as long as the items are not being stolen – they’re getting their lucre, and from a large chainstore’s viewpoint, customers are pretty interchangeable

      1. I expect they don’t care as long as they’re getting their money and there isn’t a big scene/outcry about it. From that stance, they don’t really have any need to watch, they just figure everyone does it a little and as long as customers don’t notice and get massively pissed off who cares.

    2. Since it’s probably a fair bet that Mr. Lavender would lose that job anyway in a couple weeks, I doubt Kohl’s is using the opportunity to dragnet clerks.

      1. I agree the Kohl’s is unlikely to be looking for ways to get rid of help during the seasonal crunch.

        That’s why I’m expecting them to simply be re-stocked and wacky panic-ed hijinks by Not Mine and Mr. Lavender to find replacements to ensue.

        1. I know. I’m the John Madden of comic commentary.

          “To win the game, you can’t allow your opponent to score more points than you do. Boom!”

          “Carving a swath through fellow shoppers is a more interesting storyline than carving a turkey. Boom!”

    1. Wuss.
      I usually tell one truth, one exaggeration, and then one lie, and see how long I can get people to believe me for. It’s hilarious when you get someone who is too polite to outright call me a liar, but obviously doesn’t know how else to respond.

      1. Truth: “I usually tell one truth, one exaggeration, and then one lie…”
        Exaggeration: “…and see how long I can get people to believe me for.”
        Lie: “It’s hilarious…”

        Did I guess right? ;)

        When I’m not busy being a wuss, I like telling obvious lies, with no expectation that the person will believe me. Some people get torn between their self-assuring need to correct me and the knowledge that they’d look incredibly stupid if they did. I wouldn’t call it hilarious, but it does amuse me.

        1. Someone asked me how I was doing one time, and I asked them, “Do you want me to tell you the truth, or do you want me to lie?” I was feeling irritable and stuff.

          I suppose the short story is that she asked me to lie from then on.

        2. I usually make random noises or gestures attempting to indicate my level of tiredness, irritability, confusion, and anything else that’s popping up as fairly relevant. I have to explain it to maybe 2/3 of the people once (with a minority of them needing more than one explanation), and then it works and I avoid a lie and they just mentally translate it to whatever noncommittal statement they want.

          I used to say, “Not bad,” “Not horrible,” “Not awful,” or “[smiling] Well, I still have all my limbs!” too. All are negations of negative so people interpret as positive where they’re actually just saying “greater than negative twenty and I’m not being more specific”-sorts of things. I still do that occasionally, but I prefer the random noise method.

        3. That’s difficult to do when it’s the CEO and the collective you are not allowed to say anything negative about work at work. If you do, you are given the scenic tour to the first day of the rest of your life.

          Remember– “AWESOME!”. Try it. You’ll see what I mean.

        4. Well, it wasn’t the CEO, and it wasn’t anything about work. Just how I was feeling and stuff filled with, what did Spock say, colorful metaphors.

        5. But if it was that, I would hit the record button on my smart phone, put it in the cradle, and look around, spin slowly so that the camera gets a visual record of who is there, and then I’d ask the CEO. “Sir, with all due respect, what kind of answer are you expecting. I could give you the straightforward answer, that usually gets the employee the respect of the CEO, but brings down the wrath of everyone in the layers of management between thee and me upon my brow. Or, I could just give you the buttered toast with cinnamon sugar answer. But to be honest, I had biscuits this morning, sir. With butter and jam. So, I feel okay. It’s an interesting day outside, and the nasdaq seems to be treating the stockholders well.”

        6. Both times the CEO has visited my office, I’ve sat about 3/4 as far away as he’d be standing to be not obvious for being near or far. The head manager in my office has given me a “please keep your mouth shut” look during the nominal “Any questions or concerns” portion. I like the management in my office, though, and the institutional knowledge loss would be quite painful if they had to fire me, so I keep my mouth shut and just tell my local managers the questions I didn’t ask the CEO another day. Occasionally they manage to ask parts of them upward and I get an answer to a part of them, but I don’t usually expect answers (like the question of how they want to correct for the tendency of sociopaths excelling in management with all their often stated ethical goals–I was 100% certain I wasn’t ever getting an answer on that when I brought it up past, “Yeah, I DO appreciate you not asking that. Thanks.”).

  5. Whoever is supposed to be refilling my flask, you’re late. Even the back-up one is going to run out soon. If Poppy lied about the waiting in line flask refills just to get me to stand here I’m going to give these door buster vouchers away. Even the extra ones I “found.”

  6. the art on the Mini van is very cool. The night time sky reflecting in the windshield and the fact that one headlight is out is an interesting touch.

    The only thing missing is the passengers mentioning all the cheerios, chips, and other food items that should be all over the seats. Mr Grey does have four boys she ferries around.

    1. I’ve been playing to much DotA recently; every time I read that word I hear it in the announcer’s voice.
      ….
      Given the direction this storyline is heading in, that might be more appropriate in the next few strips.

        1. Defense of the Ancients, it’s a MOBA, I haven’t played the original but Dota 2 isn’t bad if you like that sort of thing.

        2. Multiplayer Online Battle Arena. It’s an offshoot of the RTS genre.

          (RTS=Real Time Strategy)

        3. Excuse me.

          Mr. Blue re-locks, unlocks, re-locks, unlocks, re-locks the “Talking to Noobs” achievement.

          Personally, I was raised on the Massive Multi Player Online Role Playing Game, or MMPORG. Which was an offshoot of the BBS system while the whole thing morphed off of text games and telnet. Back in the days when Babbage was running around with differential engines and people used slide rules and books with tables.

          No, not coffee table books. That’s Seinfeld.

        4. I never really got into many MMO’s. Ultima Online was too slowpaced for me, Everquest was a bit better but the beta didn’t sell me on it so I never played it beyond that. Now that they’ve moved beyond the pay to play subscription model for the most part I’ve played a handful of the “freemium” titles but never seem to stick with them for very long. I have a short attention span and an overwhelming backlog of other games.

        5. I never purchased them, as they were outside of the reach of my disposable income. Diet Coke tends to develop a bad habit with me. However, having been through rehab, I’m able to tell Billy Cosby to, well, whatever would make you laugh, just fill that in, okay? I’ll just stick to reaching into my coat and pulling out milk jugs in handgun fashion from “Grand Torrino.”

        6. Pretty much. If you’ve heard of league of legends that’s another one that’s pretty popular right now.

        7. No, not really. I’ve had my head buried in terms of online gaming. And actually, I kind of prefer the racing sims for the consoles. I don’t have to worry about re-configuring my computer into something that will game 75% of the time and blue screen the other 42.

        8. I’m not sure what that’s supposed to mean. My gaming rig has blue screened exactly once since I built it about a year and a half ago.

        9. TheLastoutlaw – I suspect the “year and a half ago” is the differentiator here. With that recent of a system, you’d be fine. If you tried to overclock a five to seven year old system and tossed in a video card that it was marginal on the power supply being able to handle it with a CPU from before they started advertising how much juice they require, that’ll cause a bit more frequent system death.

          (note, typing this on a between five and six year old system that was overspec’d enough that I could do some of that if I wanted to, but I definitely built overboard back then, and decided it was time to build a new one recently anyway).

  7. I have heard of the insider plan for several years now and have never heard it work once. Good thing Mr. Lavender brought her scapegoat.

        1. Scaping a goat is actually illegal in 12 states–including Missouri and North Dakota, but it’s acceptable if you have a signed permission slip from the goat’s family–to be punishable by a fine of not more than $30 and being required to wear a sandwich board sign on the busiest street corner in town which reads “I Scaped a Goat (and I Liked It.)”

        2. Note that in all 50 states, Puerto Rico, Japan, and most Western European countries if your in the highest tax bracket and FAIL to even attempt to scape a goat, you get similar penalties (with reversed wording and it’s at a country club instead of a street corner).

        3. That’s what happens when you go to Detroit and show up at the WURP radio station expecting to have the tickets and backstage passes for the hottest show of all time, and your buddy forgets to give the proper information to the DJ so that when you get there, you’d just show the proper ID and get your four front row tickets and four back stage passes and walk out.

          Well, you leave the street corner and walk down approaching a guy who is just standing around smoking a cigarette. That’s what scraping a goat is.

  8. OK, maybe it is just because I live in the Midwest but are they not a little over dressed? I thought they live in Florida?

    1. This is one of the great puzzles of the nation. Go to Florida in Winter, and you can tell the tourists from the natives based on who is wearing shorts and who has on a coat. Alternatively, visit New England in summer and see the same thing, just reversed.

      1. You can also tell the native Floridians from the tourists based on the level of panic if snowflakes actually stick to the ground at some point.

    2. As an Ohio resident (near I-70, not Lake Erie) who likes to avoid long pants, I find I’m comfortable in shorts at about ten degrees colder in the spring than I am in the fall (not that I’m not sometimes stubborn). I expect native Floridians get the same to a greater degree.

        1. [Considers finding where Richie lives and adding banana hammocks to my wardrobe in a big way, but decides that’s too much work]

        2. Mr. Blue sends out an RSVP to Sacred Heart Hospital in care of The Janitor to bring a hot tub over to Richie’s house in order to set it up on his roof.

        1. Depends who you ask. If you have the inhuman stamina to go on an archive crawl including the comments, there’s at least one commenter who has issues with the author. I didn’t really care enough to try to remember who, though I hazily think it’s a regular.

          Only thing of his I’ve read is that one, and I never comment there or read past the first screen and a half of comments others leave. Apparently, the irritations are either on some of his other comics or if you comment, though, so I haven’t had any issues personally.

  9. Chris, get some sleep, we’ll see you tomorrow same shotgun channel.

    Also, sweet old school Resident Evil reference.

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